


My Dad is a What?!

by Raxthel



Category: Original Work
Genre: Animal Abuse (just a little), Based on our friend, Crack, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, I love my friends please read this, Kidnapping, My friend and I wrote this in a text conversation in under an hour and it shows, Rated T for profanity, Russia, Skateboarding across continents, Slight Homo-Erotic Subtext, Spies, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-05
Updated: 2017-12-05
Packaged: 2019-02-10 19:59:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12919179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raxthel/pseuds/Raxthel
Summary: Frank thought this was a perfectly normal Saturday morning. But what happens when he wakes up to his father missing and everything he thought he knew becomes a lie?





	My Dad is a What?!

One day Frank woke up from a terrible nightmare. His hero, Lin Manuel-Miranda, had called him a loser and kicked him until he lost the ability to fence. Good thing that didn't happen. He decided to get some pickles for breakfast, since he loved pickles more than life itself. As he was walking to the kitchen, his dog Luna came running up to him, begging him for food. 

"Get outta my way idiot!" he said as he kicked her across the room. Luna whined and went off to beg Frank’s mother, Lisa for breakfast while Frank made his pickle sandwich. He felt like Gordon Ramsay as he made his delicious sandwich, and like Guy Fieri as he scarfed it down like a monster. Feeling powerful, Frank went to his parents’ room to give a good morning kiss to his mommy’s cheek. But he instead found his mom crying. “Mom why are you crying,” Frank asked feeling his gut clench in worry. 

"Your dad has been taken by Russian spies," Lisa cried through her sobs. 

“What the utter and complete frick mom?!” Frank felt the most confused he’s ever been (besides Ms Nelson’s class ugh). 

"Frank it's about time you knew. Your dad doesn't work for Disney. He's actually a spy for the US government." 

“How is that even possible? He’s gotten us into Disneyland for free so he has to work there Mom. You’re not making any sense.” His nightmare from before didn’t seem so scary anymore. 

"YOUR MOM'S NOT MAKING ANY SENSE GODDAMMIT!!!" 

“That’s still you Mom! Whatever I can’t believe this right now. I’m going to Cole’s house for a while.” He needed to see his best friend now more than ever, and Cole would be very comforting in a time like this.  
                                ~•~  
Frank arrived at Cole’s house and knocked on the door, realizing that he hadn’t even checked to make sure Cole was home. Oh who was he kidding? Cole didn’t have a life outside of Frank. "Come on in ol' pal of mine!" Cole said from inside. 

Frank walked in the house, noting the smell of Cole and the sheer prominence of blue in the living room. Cole walked up to Frank, wearing his usual polo shirt and skinny jeans. “Hey Frank! Woah dude bro man bro, you look distressed! What’s wrong bro?” 

"Hey my dude, my fam is all out of whack bruh." 

“Woah man that sounds the opposite of lit. What happened? Are your parents okay?” 

"My mom is crying because my dad is a US spy and he got kidnapped by the Russians." 

“Bro what the fuck man? That’s so whack. Do you know where your dad is?” 

"Of course I don't know where he is!!! Sorry to lash out bruh, I'm just hella stressed." 

“It’s okay man. I understand you’re stressed and I’d rather you take it out on me than yourself. Just know I’m here for you dude man bro man bro pal fella.” 

"Thanks man bro. I appreciate it. I could just hug you, no homo." 

“Bro of course it’s no homo we should totally hug.” Cole didn’t know why he winked when he said no homo. Whatever. 

"Thanks man, anyway wanna go to Russia with me?" 

“Of course I do. And it’s not a getaway it’s a rescue mission. That’s manly, right bro?” 

"Totally bro, let's get outta here!" The friends grabbed their skateboards and were on their way.   
                                ~•~  
“Wow I can’t believe we skateboarded all the way to Russia! I didn’t know that was possible,” Cole said. He sounded surprised but Frank didn’t know why; it’s completely normal to skateboard across continents. 

"Yeah whatever, let's go find my dad broseph!" 

“Totally brotato chip!” They saw a big Russian man walking towards them,  it was probably a good idea to talk to him. “Hey big Russian man! My name is Cole and this is my boyf— best friend Frank Pascale Seed. How are you?” 

The Russian man who just so happened to speak English said, "Hey you're friend Frank looks a lot like the guy I'm holding hostage!" 

“Wow that’s so weird,” Frank said. "Probably a coincidence, any ways, it was lovely meeting you but I must be on my way." 

“Wait a fucking minute!” Cole said, “What’s your name Mr Big Russian Man?” 

"My name is Borris. What's it to ya?" 

“Well Borris, we’re accusing you of kidnapping Frank’s father! That’s what it is to us!” Cole was so happy. He solved the motherfucking mystery bitches.  

"Okay, what are you tiny punks gonna do about it?" 

“We’re gonna murder you.” 

"I don't think so," the man said, pulling an axe out of his back pocket. 

“Holy shit men’s pockets ARE huge! I mean FUCK!” Frank exclaimed as he grabbed Cole and started running. They ran until they couldn't breathe anymore. Luckily they lost Borris, but they felt kinda dumb as they realized they could've just used their skateboards. “Oh golly gee that was a little stupid of us. Well now what do we do bro?” Frank asked as he began to lose hope yet again. 

"Well, I think we should go get lunch together homie. I'm hungry af." 

“Radical idea man lets go.” They walked around for a while until they found what looked like a McDonalds; they couldn’t be sure since everything was in Russian. They were about to enter the McDonalds, but Frank saw a very familiar face in the corner of his eye. “Mom?!? What are you doing in Mother Russia??” 

"FRANKLIN.EDITS PASCALE DELANO ROSEVELT SEED I HAVE BEEN WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU!!!" 

“I’m sorry Mom but after I had processed what you told me about Dad I figured the only reasonable option was to skateboard to Russia to save him. Oh and bring Cole.” Frank was worried that his mom would force him to go home. 

"Well, since you're here I should introduce you to my friend who has been kind enough to show me around Russia. This is Julia Lubim." 

“Hi Julia nice to meet you. Your last name sounds familiar. Could I possibly know you from somewhere?” 

"Stop your chirping!! I hear your father is in trouble and I'm here to help!" 

“Ok,” Frank said, grabbing the hand of Cole and his mom and looking at Julia, “let’s go save my dad!” Frank pumped the hand that was holding Cole’s into the air, holding still as if he was in a freeze frame at the end of a movie.  
                                ~•~  
Julia was driving her army tank to a secret location where she said Frank, Cole, and Lisa would be safe. “Alright this is it. As soon as you guys are in there I’ll go to the place where the Russians are holding Steve and I’ll save him while kicking some communist ass,” Julia explained as they pulled up to the warehouse. 

"Wait," Frank said, "I want to fight too." 

“lol no,” Julia said as she drove away, leaving Frank, Cole, and Lisa behind. 

"Well damn," Frank said. 

“I’m sorry Frankie-pie but it’s just not safe for you to fight the Russians,” Lisa said, “If you keep doing your fencing training then maybe you can fight next time one of us is kidnapped.” Frank knew his mom was right, but he was still upset, so he just wanted to sulk around. 

“Well hey Frank, look at the bright side. At least we definitely won’t die tonight. Plus, I know we both love chillin’ with your mom.” Cole was trying his best to cheer up his dejected friend but it didn’t seem to be working. 

"Cole you're my best bro, but you don't understand! I miss my dad and I've become really good at fencing. I just feel like I need to help Ms. Lubim to protect my manly ego." 

“Hey man fella pal, I’m sure Ms. Lubim will be back in no time with your dad. And you know I’ll always be here to protect your manly ego man pal fella. That’s what friends are for.” Cole didn’t understand why he started tearing up but he forcibly pushed the tears back into his tear ducts. Crying was so not manly bro. 

"Thanks, you always know just what to say." Frank still felt upset, but he also felt a strong appreciation for his friend. His head was confused about all that had happened, but his heart was certainly that he cherished his super platonic friendship. 

“What’s up bitches! Guess who saved Steve? It’s a me Mario!” Julia sauntered into the warehouse supporting a little harried but overall ok Steve Seed. The whole group gathered around in a big group hug surrounding Steve. 

“Oh wow guys. Thanks for coming all this way for me but I didn’t need all of this. I was only kidnapped by the Russians, not kidnapped by North Korea. But thanks guys. I love you. Except for you weird Russian lady I’m thankful that you saved me but I don’t know who the fuck you are.” 

"Oh Steve, watch your language," chided Lisa. 

“Well now that we saved you Dad, I guess we can go home. But how? There’s five of us and only two skateboards.” 

"We'll take a plane genius . How did you even skateboard to Russia anyway?" 

“Why don’t people realize that skateboarding across continents is easy af?” Frank wondered whether his entire family was this stupid. 

"Yeah," Cole interjected, "it's no sweat. Especially when you've got your best buddy bro around!" 

“Whatever guys. Let’s just go home.” Steve was ready to sleep in his bed for the first time all day. 

On the plane home Frank recalled all that had happened. The day started so average, and he ended up learning so much about himself and the people he loved. “Hey Cole what would you think about taking a trip like this every year? Skateboards and all.” Frank didn’t know why he was so nervous but he really hoped Cole said yes. 

"Bro. Why would you even ask?" This was it, Frank was getting rejected. "Of course I would go! I want to spend every minute with you bro man dude guy pal!!!" 

“Really?! That sounds totally tubular buddy pal guy!” Frank felt truly happy as the plane landed and he was finally home with his whole family. And Julia. When they landed, Julia separated from the group to head home. As soon as she left, Frank remembered that she was a Spanish 2 teacher at his school. He felt a little dumb about not remembering that sooner.   
                                ~•~  
Once the Seeds plus Cole had gotten home, Frank gave Luna a hello kick and locked himself and Cole in his room to just chill bro. "Dude, can I just say how much better today was with you by my side pal?" Frank said. 

“Totally man,” Cole replied, “everyday is better when you’re at my side dude.” 

Frank put his head on Cole's shoulder, but was immediately uncomfortable with that decision and sat up again. “Let’s never speak of that again man. You want to play some video games bro?” Frank hoped to just forget what he’d done. 

"Yeah sure whatever dog, let's play some Mario." 

“Cool.” So Frank and Cole played video games until the early hours of the morning when they fell asleep and dreamt of their super platonic friendship.

**Author's Note:**

> lol I told you not to take this seriously. But my friend and I had a lot of fun writing this and we hope y'all had a fun time reading it! <3


End file.
